I am a survivor of long-term abuse by my ex-partner between 1985 and 2009. Although I am now free from abuse, my past experiences have left a legacy of PTSD where I jump at loud and sudden noise, giving me heart palpitations. I also have nightmares. I now advocate for victims through Engender Equality under CEO Alina Thomas.

Family violence is an epidemic that can’t be ignored. It is a social issue with a broad social context. This issue of violence within families requires solutions that support victims in meaningful ways, not just lip service to how to fix this crisis.

Coercive control by the abuser began early into my relationship, in a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation that were used to harm, punish or frighten me. The coercive control I experienced came in the form of grooming: he needed exclusive commitment very early into the relationship, he controlled my movements. There were daily interrogations: where I’d been each day, who I’d seen etc.

Soon after we became partners, I had to ask for permission to do something or go somewhere. He would dictate how I should act, think and feel, and withdraw his affection if I didn’t act the way he thought I should. There were threats of violence to obtain what he wanted from me, then he’d dismiss the threat, argue that he didn’t mean it or that I’d blown it out of proportion.

This is crazy-making stuff.

In this relationship there were no rules. The absence of rules within the daily routine, his consistent denials, his insistence that I was hallucinating when I’d bring up instances of his abuse, non-violent and violent, and the emotional manipulation increased my confusion to such an extent that I was left wide open to his manipulation.

Coercive control kept me permanently in a state of mental confusion and vulnerability, with a loss of reality. I became his slave, psychologically. Coercive control, essentially brain washing, is insidious and dangerous. It reduces a victim to madness. A highly stressful and constantly tense environment will result in a life lived where nothing makes sense.

Coercive control created invisible chains and fear that pervaded all elements of my life with my abuser. The control worked to limit my human rights, depriving me of my liberty and reducing my ability for action. In effect, I was taken hostage. I became a captive in an unreal world created by the abuser.

I knew nothing of family violence when I became his partner. My ignorance left me vulnerable and easily manipulated. Because I was isolated from family and friends early into the relationship and had only his friends and family to talk to (in his presence only), I could not disclose the abuse and certainly not in front of the abuser since that would risk serious and violent consequences.

Anyway, his immediate family blamed me for any of his abuse that they were aware of. Like him, they excused his behaviour and didn’t consider it abusive; rather his behaviour was a response to my not being a good enough wife – I nagged him too much, I made him angry or stressed because I wasn’t trying hard enough and so on. My then partner would stand over me as I spoke on the phone to family (I’d lost all of my friends by then) so I was unable to signal for help. Once he was physically violent when he didn’t like what I said on the phone to my mother.

I subjugated myself to another human being. My self-worth was so inadequate that I believed he had sound reasons for punching me, threatening my life, raping me and strangling me. One moment I will never forget is him holding a rifle to my head and saying he was going to shoot my head off then and there. This occurred in front of our children. I can only hope that they were too young at the time to recall the exact circumstances, but the emotional impact of the abuse they witnessed daily has left a negative psychological legacy.

. . .

I blamed myself for all his violence; thinking who I was and how I behaved as valid reasons for his violent behaviour. At this point we need to understand the function of coercive control in a relationship. Coercive control serves a purpose for perpetrators. It is a useful and vital part of the abusive relationship in that it makes a victim pliable, open to suggestion and creates a mental state of mind that suits the abuser’s purposes but is extremely deleterious to a victim’s sense of self and sense of reality.

At that time, I felt utter contempt for myself because I accepted his abuse but also because his violence did not compel me to leave when it should have. This is what an abuser’s coercive control does to the recipient. I convinced myself that I had legitimate reasons to stay, irrespective of the abuse I received. This should have alerted me to just how dangerous my capacity for self-deception was. Self-deception is a causal factor in a victim’s decision to stay. It is imperative that outside professional help is sought to clarify what is really happening between persecutor and victim.

Repeated exposure to coercive control tactics will normalise abusive behaviour of the perpetrator so that both victim and abuser accept control as an inevitable part of the family dynamics. Understanding this may help a victim realise just how precarious their safety is while ever they remain with an abuser. Understanding the behaviour and recognising it for what it really is will help the abused take steps to remove themselves from abusive situations.

When I finally reached out to a women’s refuge counsellor 17 years after the abusive relationship started, the biggest thing they did to help me was to believe me when I disclosed the abuse and to tell me how important it was for me experiencing family violence to know that family violence is never OK, no matter what the circumstances or situation. Hearing this was like having a light bulb moment. Everything made sense and I didn’t have to blame myself, nor try to fix him, any longer.

No matter the hardships one may experience after leaving an abuser, I feel nothing is worse than staying with an abuser who has robbed you of the basic human rights to feel loved and be safe in a relationship. Your rights are non-existent in an abusive partnership; leaving is the first step to regaining your right to live abuse-free.

. . .

What are some signs to look out for that might suggest someone is the target of emotional/ psychological abuse and coercive control?

A sudden change in the person’s demeanour: for example, they are normally cheerful, upbeat, open; then consistently present as depressed, quiet, secretive, furtive or jumpy.

When with a partner the other acts differently than when alone; quieter, acquiescing to everything the partner says, deferring to them at all times

When one partner puts down the other in the presence of other people; is derogatory or dismissive of the other, such as calling them they stupid or telling them stop talking so much.

Noticing that a friend is always dropped off and picked up by their partner, that they frequently receive phone calls or texts from their partner when at work or with friends.

When one partner tells the other what to wear whenever they go out.

When someone you know discloses that their partner tells them they shouldn’t want to see their friends or family, or they are better off without them.

When someone never goes out alone, the partner always being close by.

When a friend tells you they have a strict allowance and can only spend so much.

When someone’s partner needs to know at all times where they are, that their calls are monitored, their location tracked (this is cyber stalking), that receipts are checked to monitor spending.

. . .

One or two of these behaviours may not point to abuse, but a cluster of such behaviours usually points to family violence and warrants taking the person on the receiving end of these acts aside and asking if they are all right. You can say, “I’m concerned for you. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”

All of this behaviour might be explained away by your friend as their partner being overly romantic or attentive but it is essentially abuse, control and a disregard for someone’s freedom and right to autonomy.

What is needed in the way of support?

1. There is increased awareness of DV in society and a larger number of women and men are coming forward to disclose their abusive relationships. But – and this is a huge but – where can these victims seek support when there is a lack of available refuges, waiting lists for counselling, and lack of family violence services? This lack is particularly visible during the pandemic which has exposed the weaknesses of the DV support system. Support is clearly inadequate for the growing numbers of victims who are now seeking frontline services for help they desperately need.
2. Need for senior high school curriculum to include courses around respectful communication and relationships, education on coercive control of one person over another and of crucial warning signs that indicate one may be in an abusive relationship. The young, inexperienced with intimate relationships, are susceptible to abusers. The more they learn about partner abuse, the better informed they are and able to make positive decisions such as avoiding an abusive relationship to begin with or to leave one early not later.
3. Make coercive control a chargeable offence as it is in the UK (and, soon, Queensland). Since the UK law change, domestic violence incidents have reduced significantly. (I should note that, in Australian discussions about making coercive control a chargeable offence, many domestic violence service stakeholders have said they oppose it in the current circumstances. Their stance is that systems dealing with domestic abuse – for example, frontline social services, police and law court judges – should be overhauled, with practices being more trauma-informed for the victim, rather than taking the punitive approach of penalising this abuse by law.)
4. More funding needs to go into programs and men’s services that work specifically with male abuse rather than anger management and marriage counselling which do not work in the context of family violence. 

I wish to repeat the point I made earlier: coercive control serves a purpose for perpetrators. It is a vital part of the abusive relationship in that it makes a victim pliable and open to suggestion, and creates a mental state of mind that suits the abuser’s purposes, but is extremely deleterious to a victim’s sense of self and sense of reality.

Recognising it in your relationship, should it exist, will help to dispel its power over you.

Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.