Why do children sometimes return to live with their abuser?
Parents, please don’t blame your child or take it personally – children choose to live with the abusive parent for many reasons.
Children, as they grow, normalise abuse in the family, seeing it as the typical and only way to resolve conflict, so they don’t view abusive behaviour as abhorrent. It’s “the way things are”. After leaving, they experience confusion, not realising that abuse is wrong. Children just want to return to “the normal” way of life they have grown up with.
Children feel safer aligned with the abusive parent. For them it is often better to know exactly where their abuser is than to live with the victimised parent, always looking over their shoulder waiting for the next terror-infused event to occur.
Often the mother must leave with the children financially insecure, without employment and move to a different town so everything familiar is left behind: home, school, friends and extended family.
The abusive parent, usually the father, is generally financially stable, unlike the single mother. Children struggle to cope with their new reality.
The abusive parent is likely to manipulate the children, who will then make choices based on that manipulation.
Too often the abusive parent has been the “fun” parent, leaving the disciplining and mundane aspects of parenting to the abused parent. Children are led to believe that living with the abuser will include regular enjoyable activities plus the freedom to do what they want without restriction.
Most children who wind up living with an abusive parent do not receive the support they require to address the trauma accumulated from living in an abusive household prior to leaving. When they return, they are further traumatised as dysfunctional behaviour may be directed at them since the victimised parent is no longer there to take the brunt of the abuse.
As well as trying to cope with unaddressed complex trauma, children are often wracked with guilt for leaving the persecuted parent and going back to the persecutor.
Below are quotes from my three daughters (with their permission to publish) illustrating the various effects living with abuse and continued access with the abusive parent had on them (first published by Forty South Tasmania in the article Who am I? The loneliness of the abused, November 4, 2023).
My eldest daughter, now an adult, lived with abuse in the family the longest of my children. These are her words:
“The struggle is never-ending. No matter how hard you try, you just learn to live with it. Every day brings new struggles and triggers. I truly believe children's brains aren't developed enough to ever cope with that trauma … You could add that I feel like I'm abnormal all the time, I never fit in and have massive social anxiety. I always feel judged and have a severely strong need to please everyone else in hopes they like and accept me … I also feel very alone because others cannot relate unless they've been through it.”
My middle daughter has had to fight mental anguish and trauma and reconcile responses to the abuse she witnessed for much of her early childhood.
In her words, “Everyone has different ways of dealing with and responding to trauma. Just because I wasn't hair pulling, nail biting, or yelling and screaming does not mean I wasn't undergoing an internal struggle for justifying my existence every single day. I had anxiety, attachment issues (inability to form healthy relationships with men resulting in a DV relationship with my ex-partner), inability to maintain long-term friendships (pushing people away when they get too close).
“I had an overwhelming sense of needing to be independent and alone.”
My youngest daughter continues to enlighten me with her insights. “Firstly, I’d like to say I cannot and do not speak for all children or their experience of domestic violence. It is difficult to explain my story to someone, anyone, who may not have experienced abuse or trauma … I have so many memories that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
“The abuse I saw taught me that this was how families behaved behind closed doors, and how one resolved conflict using control, manipulation, fear, and physical abuse.
“Something I struggle with in my daily life is identifying and managing the emotional, mental, and behavioural effects of my experience, how they are interwoven into my personality, and how this impacts my connection and communication with others.
“I didn’t have much contact outside the family, but I urge other children, if you are scared or uncomfortable, to tell someone you trust, like a teacher or a friend. Whilst it was by no means easy for mum or for my siblings and myself, leaving my father was the only way to escape the abuse and fear.”
. . .
I say again, children, when manipulated by the abusive parent, often choose the simpler path and return to that parent. Their actions, though incomprehensible to the victimised parent and others outside a domestic violence relationship, make sense to the child exposed to abuse in the family setting.
The parent losing their child to the abuser will feel disillusioned and confused, and may even view that child as a traitor for leaving them and returning to the carer who is clearly not the best person to parent.
If this happens to you, please understand that circumstances dictate how children behave. Give them time to determine their best course of action. Rarely do children fail to figure out who genuinely loves and wishes the best for them. When they reach this understanding, be there for the child, listen without judgment and leave a path open for them to reunite with you be it physically and/or emotionally.
I speak from experience.
Support
If you need support, a range of completely free and confidential support services are available by phone, online or in-person. You may also wish to seek help from your GP, another professional or a counsellor.
Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800
Strong Families Safe Kids advice and referral line 1800 000 123
Statewide Sexual Assault Support Line
24/7 support from local specialist counsellors provided by the Sexual Assault Support Service and Laurel House 1800 697 877 (1800 MY SUPPORT)
Lifeline – 24/7 crisis support: 13 11 14
A Tasmanian Lifeline – 8am-8pm, 365 days a year: 1800 98 44 34 for support and referral
Relationships Australia Tasmania
Specialist complex trauma counselling, trauma informed counselling, wellbeing information and referral
9am-5pm, Monday to Friday: 1300 364 277
Services available 24 hours a day
13 YARN (24/7) 139 276 or 13yarn.org.au
1800 RESPECT (24/7) 1800 737 732 or 1800respect.org.au
Beyond Blue (24/7) 1300 224 636 or beyondblue.org.au
headspace (24/7) 1800 650 890 or headspace.org.au
MensLine Australia (24/7) 1300 789 978 or mensline.org.au
Strong Families, Safe Kids (24/7) 1800 000 123 or strongfamiliessafekids.tas.gov.au
Suicide Call Back Service (24/7) 1300 659 467 or suicidecallbackservice.org.au
Tasmania Police (non-emergency 24/7 assistance line) 131 444 or police.tas.gov.au
Tell Someone (for children and adults, links to 24/7 services) tellsomeone.tas.gov.au
Services that may not be contactable by phone or email outside business hours
Autism Connect 1300 308 699 or amaze.org.au/autismconnect
Blue Knot Foundation 1300 657 380 or blueknot.org.au
Bravehearts 1800 272 831 or bravehearts.org.au
Laurel House 6334 2740 (North) or 6431 9711 (North-West) or laurelhouse.org.au
National Redress Scheme 1800 737 377 or nationalredress.gov.au
Relationships Australia Tasmania 1300 364 277
Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.
