Hearing victims’ accounts of lived experience of partner abuse, I am struck by the similarities of abusers’ behaviours woven through these accounts regardless of the personal dynamics and individual circumstances of each person: super sweet and romantic in the beginning, insisting on progressing the relationship quickly soon after beginning the relationship, threatening to keep the children, financial abuse, isolating the victim from friends and family, and other indicators.

The excuses a victim makes to outsiders to cover abuse in the home are also similar.

This says to me there is a pattern of abuse that is easier to recognise than one may think. Once a person outside of the family is aware of both abusive behaviours and the excuses a victim may make, they can give targeted support to the victim, aimed at increasing their safety and chance of better outcomes. To add to that, as the public are increasingly educated through greater discussion of family violence in the media, so too are their chances of avoiding an abusive relationship. Forewarned is forearmed.

An important initial step to targeted support is to understand this: whatever considerations are put forward to assist victims, both abled and disabled, victims must always be at the centre of decision-making. This is the guiding axiom for all changes to policy making, decision making and support: involve the victim, collaborate with them; they are the expert in knowing what they need and can benefit from.

Let’s talk about primary prevention of family violence.

I stayed with an abuser for almost 18 years. Regardless of the abuse he inflicted on me, because of his coercive control tactics throughout, I blamed myself for his behaviour and took responsibility to fix that behaviour.

There was no name for coercive control when I lived with him. If you haven’t heard this term before, it’s like being controlled by someone else to the point of brainwashing where you can’t think for yourself anymore. I thought I was in love, but I was being controlled, which I know now.

This control may not end up as physical abuse, but it is just as serious.

Neither he nor I understood the dynamics of DV. He didn’t see himself as an abuser – he was merely keeping me in line. And I didn’t see his violence against me as abuse. I believed he had good reason to treat me as he did. This thinking by both of us allowed him to cement the culture of abuse in our family and for the abuse to continue for so long.

Domestic violence was not talked about when I was with the abuser. Family violence was kept secret behind closed doors and nobody else’s business. If I had been informed in the 1980s and ’90s I would have more likely realised that I was indeed being abused and that his behaviour was not my fault nor my responsibility to fix. Abusers choose to abuse and it’s never your fault.

People, particularly young adults embarking on their first relationships, may not have the necessary experience to recognise an abuser or a person with a predilection to abuse. If they are given detailed information, especially that from victims with lived experience of abuse, around what control and partner abuse looks like, they are less likely to start an abusive relationship.

For me, if primary prevention had been openly discussed in the public forum regarding how control tactics by the partner drive family violence, and not anything the victim does or does not do, I would not have assumed guilt for the abuse, nor would I have considered a relationship with my partner at the time.

An example of primary prevention in action: during one of my Living Library sessions, a high school student came forward to say the increased media focus on coercive control in partner relationships had helped her recognise that she too had been in abusive relationships, and managed to escape. My speaking on this topic reinforced what she had heard through the media. This student knew she had done what was best for her by leaving the abuser and she now is helping a peer in a similar circumstance, to recognise abuse and leave her partner.

                                            . . .

Inappropriate or inadequate education can mean victims are not aware of their personal or legal rights or even that domestic family violence is a crime.

Primary prevention is a key component to reducing partner abuse and family violence by increasing awareness in the public.

Education stops abuse before it starts.

However, there is a downside to increased public awareness and in the words of advocate journalist Sandy Powell, “A conflict at the heart of discussion on domestic abuse in Tasmania that troubles Deborah Thomson is the growing public interest and awareness of domestic abuse that is causing the conflict.”

“As more people become aware of the signs they or their loved ones are experiencing domestic abuse, the stigma is lifted and more people begin to seek help. But, Ms Thomson says, in Tasmania the resources to help survivors are so stretched there are now long waiting lists for services such as women's shelters and legal services.”

As more victims come forward seeking help, it highlights the lack of support available. There’s an inability to help the growing number of abused people. There is a three-month waiting list for counselling, and women’s legal services have to prioritise those experiencing the worst crimes and turn the rest away.

• New Census data reveals that there has been a 5.25 per cent increase in homelessness since 2016, with women accounting for 81.7 per cent of the increase. Family violence is one of the main reasons people become homeless. Many women face the choice of staying with a violent partner or becoming homeless.
• Response and recovery for a victim leaving an abuser is limited, so it stands to reason that prevention of abuse before a person is victimised will ease the strain on support services.

Initial outlays by governments to the domestic violence sector, with targeted funding to frontline organisations and on-the-ground services that are currently underfunded, under resourced and understaffed, are ultimately investments for governments when these outlays in funding create meaningful support to victims of domestic and family violence. Victims move forward and become less of a financial burden on overstretched welfare systems, mental health and domestic violence services and refuges for women and children.

What is needed in Australia:

• More victim-survivors coming forward telling their story to remove or lessen the shame and secrecy around this abuse
• More local support services in the actual town that the victim and abuser live
• For disabled victims of abuse, more service workers going into the home where they can discretely talk to the victim and ask them what is going on
• More educational campaigns that inform the public what abuse looks like and what to notice in victims that may indicate they are experiencing abuse
• Teaching better ways to communicate with and support people who have been abused
• Teaching how to resolve disagreements without resorting to violence or abuse
• Educating service workers, police and judiciary to identify domestic family violence and to support clients following a disclosure of violence or abuse
• More awareness in the media about the prevalence of domestic family violence in the community.

Primary prevention strategies can help to achieve all the above.

Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.