The misidentifying the victim for a perpetrator, particularly in police callouts to domestic violence incidents, has been discussed in the national media recently. Incidents of this have been seen in Tasmania as well as the mainland.

Misidentification occurs because of a strategy perpetrators employ when confronted by family, friends or authority on their abusive behaviour. This strategy comes under the acronym DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender

I refer to the article below to illustrate DARVO in action.

How abusers might use these strategies to blame the survivor

By Amanda Kippert

(Nov 23, 2022, www.domesticshelters.org)

A tactic called DARVO—or deny, attack, reverse victim and offender—may be utilized. It’s a way abusers or others, such as law enforcement or the judicial system, might redirect blame, taking attention off the perpetrator while accusing a victim of being the actual abusive partner.

Deny. The abuser vehemently denies the survivor’s account of what happened. This can involve gaslighting the survivor to make the survivor doubt their memory of events. The survivor may begin to question whether they’re “blowing it out of proportion” as the abuser continues to minimize what they remember happening.

Attack. The abuser shifts the focus to the survivor’s credibility and whether others, including law enforcement, should believe them. This could include bringing up past indiscretions (real or fabricated) in the survivor’s past, questioning the survivor’s mental health, accusing the survivor of abusing drugs or alcohol or asserting the survivor is the abusive one when really the survivor was reacting to the abuse being inflicted. The abuser may even insinuate that the survivor wanted what happened or that, because the couple is married, the abuser couldn’t have possibly sexually assault them (not true, by the way). The result can be that the survivor feels bullied or disparaged into staying quiet, or may feel some sense of the abuse being their own fault. (Be aware, trauma-related guilt is a liar.)

Reverse Victim and Offender. The final step of this twisted manipulation tactic is for the abuser to secure their title of “victim” and position the actual survivor as the offender. They might contend that the survivor has some vendetta to destroy them. They might say the survivor is lying to turn people against the abuser, become more popular, “take away” their children or receive a larger divorce settlement. The abuser might claim they’re a “victim of the system” (the criminal justice system). They may use their socio-economic standing, race or gender to support their claim. All the while, the survivor’s actual disclosure of abuse is overshadowed, and the survivor will end up spending more time trying to defend her reputation than receiving help for the abuse.

A survivor needs support during DARVO.

It can be difficult to recognise an abuser using the DARVO tactic when you’re a survivor in the middle of it. Heather Kent, registered psychotherapist, trauma recovery specialist and author of several books on surviving abuse says, “Speaking as a survivor myself, when you’re still in it, it’s very hard to see what’s happening. It’s insidious. Often it takes an outside person who witnesses it to take you aside and show you what’s happening and what’s not OK.”

She encourages survivors who suspect they’re being manipulated to avoid a common suggestion from others: couples’ counselling.

Author’s note: I highlighted the preceding sentence as this happened to me and I soon found the type of counselling suggested here is woefully inadequate, irrelevant to domestic violence, and indeed potentially dangerous as it does not hold the abuser accountable. If anything, couples counselling may shift the blame to the victim and encourage the perpetrator to continue their abuse and in many cases escalate the level of violence in the relationship.

The same applies to anger management courses for perpetrators. Counsellors end up gaslighted by abusers much the same as victims.

The effective form of counselling for abusive males is behaviour change counselling for perpetrators of domestic and family violence; for men and usually run by men, some males who were themselves former abusers.

“[The abuser] is just going to gaslight you and call you the abusive one. … A therapist is not necessarily able to see what’s happening and can cause further damage and enable the abuse to continue.”

Survivors also face the risk of the abuser retaliating in private, sometimes with violence, after disclosing incidents in front of a therapist. Even the threat of this can keep a survivor quiet indefinitely.

“The solution is really to get out of the situation as soon as possible. I’ve never seen a situation where an abusive partner does a 180, goes to therapy and they live happily ever after.”

(Note: Some experts say there are abusers who can reform, but the likelihood of repeat abusive incidents is high.)

Abuse can show up in the workplace too.”

It is important for the public to be aware of DARVO and the consequences of mistaking a victim for an offender.

Help is here

The Family Violence Counselling and Support Service (FVCSS) offers professional and specialised assistance to children, young people, and adults affected by family violence. Services provided include information, counselling, support, safety planning, assistance in accessing police referrals, advocacy for organising a safe place to stay, and referrals to legal services, financial services and community resources. Ph: 1800 608 122. 9am to midnight, Monday to Friday; 4pm to midnight weekends and public holidays

Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.