Abuse is any act that gives power to one person over another, resulting in a victim feeling powerless, intimidated, paralysed and fearful whether that abuse is verbal or physical.
Violence against women is widespread and serious, but it is preventable.
Recognising the difference between respect and disrespect from a partner or family member will help to minimise the hold an abuser has over the victim. And set the standard for what is acceptable behaviour and speech.
Signs you may be in a disrespectful relationship:
Threats to withhold affection if the woman (for the purposes of this article I will use the term woman, but this applies equally to all genders) doesn’t act the way the partner says they should.
Daily or regular treatment where one is not allowed an opinion or told they are stupid and wrong when offering opinions.
The other is always the one who makes decisions regarding where to go out, how much money a victim can spend and other decisions
Intimidation
Excessive jealousy
Interrogation regarding where the woman has been, who they’ve seen and being constantly checked up on.
Disrespecting the woman both in public and at home
Isolating the woman from her friends and family
Telling the woman that they (the perpetrator) act in these ways because they love them so much.
Subtler signs
We are aware of the obvious signs of domestic violence, the physical and sexual abuse, but it is crucial that people are aware of subtler signs, the signs that are often discounted by the victim because they aren’t sure that it even is abuse.
Understanding the more nuanced experiences of family violence, with more coming forward disclosing ongoing coercive patterned behaviours of power and control, sexist attitudes and other negative behaviours against women is important. Exposure to abuse and the consequent increase of knowledge forms part of an early intervention response and increases the provision of appropriate service support before people get into high-risk situations.
The signs I missed in my own marriage
Excessive jealousy and possessiveness
Constant interrogations regarding where I’d been that day and who with
Increased isolation from friends and family, especially anyone who might recognise I was abused and try to support me to leave
The unrealistic expectations of my abuser regarding what I should say, what I should wear and how I should act
His belief that I existed solely to fulfil his needs
His refusal to accept responsibility for his actions and lack of remorse no matter how violent his behaviour
His daily manipulation resulting in my thinking his abuse was entirely my fault
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I repeat, coercive control and psychological abuse is as harmful to mental health as physical violence is to the body.
Preventative measures to reduce the incidence of domestic violence come in many forms and all are effective measures to combat disrespectful relationships.
Reframe abusive behaviour as behaviour that has been learned, and with outside professional support can be unlearned. Being an abuser does not mean one has to be an abuser their entire life.
Improving gender equality and the empowerment of women uplifts all of society.
Calling out sexist behaviours
This is as simple as challenging someone making a sexist or demeaning joke against women. Calling out humiliating, inappropriate or offensive language that judges a woman or makes light of violence against women has a positive effect. We now know that this behaviour so often leads to more extreme, violent behaviour so the quicker we understand it the earlier we can leave before the abuse intensifies.
We also know that silence and acceptance produce societies where abuse against others continues to rise.
Showing respect for women in the workplace, on the street or in the home and making this a cultural norm, leads to men and women being treated equally. If all of society holds an abuser to account, they have limited or no opportunity to continue abusing.
There is a great quote, usually attributed to Mahatma Gandhi, “The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members.”
Positive changes
Despite underfunding of support services, positive changes are underway. Supports that were non-existent 15 years ago are now readily available. These supports make a massive difference to the quality of life of victims.
But the key to further progress is reducing the incidences of disrespectful relationships. More needs to be done to prevent disrespect happening in the first place. Demand for domestic violence services and counselling increases to where such services are stretched and under resourced. If abuse is tackled before the need for support services, the lack of resources related to such service is brought to a more manageable level.
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A Tasmanian resource: Engender Equality, 6278 9090 statewide; email admin@engenderequality.org.au
