Men too often say, “I’m not an abuser, so what has domestic violence got to do with me?” I say the standard you walk past is the standard you accept. This is not an indictment or criticism against men, but rather a call for more men to be involved in the fight.

A domestic violence worker recently said to me that the victims of partner abuse disclosing their lived experience to the media has increased to the point where there is a concern that the public may reach saturation point, becoming immune to “yet another story of abuse”.

I truly hope we haven’t reached that point, but at the same time I’m aware that domestic violence was once hidden, with little known about perpetrators’ behaviour towards their partners and/or children behind closed doors. Now, we are learning the type of abuse that occurs in households and the tragic outcomes of that abuse. The pendulum has swung.

Has it swung too far? It seems that no sooner do we hear a media report of yet another woman murdered by a current or ex-partner, that we hear of another child and mother killed in horrific circumstances, of another man assaulted and/or killed by one of their own gender, and then the same again.

Caroline, a lived experience advocate for victims of family violence, gave me permission to quote from a speech she made at this year’s Walk the Talk event in Devonport: “While I would like to be able to say that events such as this and many others that I have attended are making a difference … the statistics are saying otherwise. I refer to one statistic in particular, the tip of the iceberg statistic, the statistic that reflects the worst possible outcome when it comes to gendered violence. I am talking about intimate partner homicide.

“This year in Australia has been a horrific year for intimate partner homicide. In every speech I have ever done … I have always referred to the fact that on average, one woman per week is killed by a current or former partner in Australia. One per week. Fifty-two women killed per year. If that is not abhorrent enough, it saddens, angers … outrages me to have to say that [in 2023] we have well surpassed this average number. At the time of writing this speech [in November], the number stands at 66 women. Sixty-six women’s lives have been ended due to intimate partner violence. Only last week, there were six women killed in one week! Six!

“It will not surprise me if I have to amend that number before I actually deliver this speech. Will another woman be killed before I speak these words out loud to you? Based on the current rate, the chances are yes. There is likely a woman alive today who won’t be by the time I speak because her current or former partner decides to end her life.”

Caroline’s words drive home the imperative for practical strategies to address the crisis facing Australia. Such strategies (I repeat what I’ve said in other essays, but repetition is essential) include increased funding to vital resources for victims; housing, legal representation, women’s refuges, financial assistance to name a few, education to dispel the myths and misconceptions around family violence that stigmatise and reduce empathy for victims of family violence, increased primary prevention and early intervention that is known to reduce the incidents of domestic violence and, very importantly, more resources in the form of men’s behavioural change therapies that focus on the drivers of partner violence – the need for power and control in an intimate relationship over a partner and gender inequality.

The importance of strategies that are well-funded, consistent, and far-reaching is evidenced by distressing facts such as the Hobart Women’s Shelter in 2022 had to turn away more than 800 women and children from their service because there was no accommodation available for desperate victims intent on leaving their abuser. With no support available, these victims had to make a choice between returning to the abuser or becoming homeless. Most returned to a life of continuing abuse in the family.

The Advocate newspaper reported on May 24, 2023, “There is a conflict at the heart of discussion on domestic abuse in Tasmania that troubles Deborah Thomson. It is the growing public interest and awareness of domestic abuse that is causing the conflict. As more people become aware of the signs they or their loved ones are experiencing domestic abuse, the stigma is lifted, and more people begin to seek help. But, Ms Thomson says, in Tasmania the resources to help survivors are so stretched there are now long waiting lists for services such as women's shelters and legal services. Family violence is one of the main reasons people become homeless," she said.

I again refer to Caroline’s words: “The theme for this year’s Walk is ‘Unite’. Unity will certainly underpin any solution to this ongoing issue of gender-based violence. Gender-based violence can only occur because of division and separation. One of the things about gender-based violence is this perception that it happens to other people. As I outlined before, victims can be anyone. It could be you, or me. But what about the perpetrators. Who are they?”

We need to direct the focus to perpetrators. Who they are and why do they choose to abuse the people they profess to love. Statistically, one in four in society is an abuser and perpetrators are overwhelmingly male. We need to look honestly at this fact and understand that the answer to “who are they?” is before us. We know that homicides are predominantly perpetrated by men. Knowing this we need male role models to come forward and join the campaign to reduce family violence.

Men too often say, “I’m not an abuser, so what has domestic violence got to do with me?” I say the standard you walk past is the standard you accept. This is not an indictment or criticism against men, but rather a call for more men to be involved in the fight rather than taking a default position as a passive bystander or believing this is an issue that only affects a certain group in society. Family violence has negative and far-reaching consequences for all of us regardless of gender.

In most instances it is women who have been at the forefront of campaigns to drive change and mainly women who have provided governments with recommendations and suggestions on how to reduce the scourge of domestic and family violence in Australia.

Yet the number of incidents of heinous violence and killing of women and children by their intimate partner has not decreased. Quite the opposite! This suggests to me that either those in authority are not listening, or victims and the women who fight for their rights, need men in greater numbers than at present to step up and call out violence and become actively involved in events such as Walk the Talk and the 16 Days of Activism. Simply by turning up as part of the audience listening to speakers, men are showing their solidarity to victims and demonstrating a willingness to learn more about family violence and how it can be reduced.

In Caroline’s words, “At every event of this nature that I have spoken at, the crowd of attendees is mostly comprised of women. I have been asked about how we can unite to make change. Well here is my suggestion. Let’s strive for equal representation of men and women at this event next year, and at the Candlelight Vigil. It is wonderful that clubs such as Zonta and Soroptimists do so much work and advocacy in this area, but how great would it be to see male-dominated service clubs equally committed to ending violence? How about we all bring our dad’s, brothers, sons along next year, because without them, without men on board, this issue will never change.”

It's a challenge I echo!

Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.