Part 1 of this series looked at the massive challenges faced by victims who want to leave an abuser. In Part 2, I discuss what reality looks like for many victims who have the courage to leave.
Many victims believe that once they leave their partner, the abuse will cease. Sadly, this is not the case. The abuser may escalate the abusive behaviour, increasing the risk of violence against the victim and/or their children.
I cannot emphasis enough to those considering leaving their abuser please seek outside support from trusted friends, family, and domestic violence services, before, during and after leaving, to reduce the risk of further abuse from your intimate partner or someone else who has been abusing you.
Although there may be less physical abuse since the victim is no longer in close contact with their partner, abuse will continue in different forms. These include tech-facilitated abuse, fear, emotional and psychological abuse, and financial abuse. If a victim leaves with dependent children, there is a greater risk that abuse will continue, often within the family law court system as the perpetrator fights for access and residency of the children of the relationship.
It seems to me that the onus, after leaving a perpetrator, is usually on the victim to find a new home unknown to the abuser, a new workplace, a new identity just to avoid being harassed, victimised and abused again.
Victims also shoulder the responsibility to arm themselves against technology facilitated abuse by acquiring a new phone, a new phone number and equipment that detects tracking devices in their home and car. If victims manage to find somewhere to live after leaving the perpetrator, they often must take personal responsibility to install surveillance cameras and alarms, even bars on windows and security doors, virtually turning their place of refuge into a prison.
Australian domestic violence services now hand out free mobile phones with credit to the victim so that the abuser cannot call them. That is a start, but the responsibility to remain unknown to their abuser remains with the abused overall. Staying unknown often means attending court hearings to apply for an Apprehended Violence Order against the abuser, then future court appearances to renew and extend violence orders.
I was pursued over and over by my abuser after leaving, and restraining orders didn’t deter him. While protection orders meant little to my abuser, for others seeking orders, that may act as enough of a deterrent to give a victim breathing space to establish a new life free of abuse. Once I left, I no longer experienced physical abuse, though the threat of it was ever present. For many, leaving may incite their abuser to escalated violence. It is therefore worth seeking protections orders; doing so may give an abuser pause before considering heightening abuse.
Jail for some abusers may be the only way. While the perpetrator is incarcerated, this allows the time and freedom to find a new identity and residence that provides greater safety.
. . .
There are many challenges after leaving an abuser. You may experience feelings of depression, guilt, anger, loss and even symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). You may experience anxiety, find yourself easily frightened or scared, and have trouble sleeping. You may find yourself avoiding ordinary situations that remind you of abuse. You may feel emotionally numb, and have difficulty maintaining new relationships.
Something not often talked about is the shame and blame a victim may feel after leaving. This may arise from the knowledge that they didn’t leave their abuser earlier.
Victims typically make multiple attempts to leave an abusive relationship. On average, leaving a violent relationship for good takes six attempts. Considering this statistic, it is perhaps unproductive to recovery for victims to berate themselves for not leaving sooner. You are not alone!
. . .
Leaving an abusive relationship is a courageous step, but it doesn’t necessarily mark the end of our struggles. Even after breaking free, there can be lingering effects and challenges:
Grief and regret: Initially, there might be a sense of relief and newfound freedom. However, grief, regret, and sometimes guilt can follow. We may still love the person we left behind, even if we’re grateful to be out of the abusive situation.
Loss of relationships: Leaving can lead to estrangement from friends, relatives, or even children. These unexpected losses can be painful to navigate.
Self-esteem impact: A victim’s self-esteem often suffers due to the abuse. We may lack confidence or feel unattractive. This can affect our ability to trust ourselves and make healthy choices in future relationships. For me, not beginning a new relationship until many years had passed since leaving my abuser with intensive counselling taking place in those years, gave me the time to establish new, healthier patterns of communication and engagement with potential partners, setting boundaries of what I would and would not accept with regard to respectful relationships. As I’ve said in a previous article, it’s okay to be single.
Trauma scars: The trauma of abuse doesn’t always disappear immediately. Sometimes, even years later, a victim may discover that they have PTSD related to the abuse the victim thought they’d left behind. Nightmares, risk aversion, and difficulty trusting again can be signs of this lingering trauma.
Fear of intimacy: The cycle of abandonment can make us fearful of intimacy. Loneliness triggers old feelings of being unloved or unlovable from childhood. It may seem like there’s no escape from our misfortune.
Risk Factors to consider
Loss of identity: Leaving may mean risking the loss of identity, status, family and community support networks, financial security, homes, hopes, and dreams.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be an incredibly difficult and lonely time. It may be a dangerous time – as mentioned earlier there is a risk of heightened violence from the abuser at the point of your leaving.
As mentioned, the abuser will often apply for access and/or residency of children to punish you for leaving.
I believe that regardless of the potential risk of leaving, remaining with an abuser, especially if there are children involved, is far worse. The longer you remain, the greater the trauma and the longer recovery takes after leaving.
Remember that healing takes time, and seeking professional support can be crucial. You’re not alone, and there is hope for recovery and growth beyond the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship.
Victim support
The Family Violence Counselling and Support Service (FVCSS) offers professional and specialised assistance to children, young people, and adults affected by family violence. Services provided include information, counselling, support, safety planning, assistance in accessing police referrals, advocacy for organising a safe place to stay, and referrals to legal services, financial services and community resources.
Ph: 1800 608 122
9am to midnight, Monday to Friday; 4pm to midnight weekends and public holidays
Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.