Abusers rarely define their behaviour as abusive.
Instead, they justify what they do to their partner – yelling, withholding affection, silent treatment; physical, sexual, emotional and financial abuse – as necessary behaviours that achieve an outcome satisfactory to that individual. “Satisfactory” outcomes look different outwardly, however, when they boil down to control and power over the victim and their complete acquiescence to the abuser’s demands.
An abuser will excuse their abusive behaviour by saying it was the only way to shut her/him up, or they say, “If she/he agreed with me, did what she was told, didn’t argue etc, I wouldn’t have to resort to stronger actions.” A perpetrator will say to themselves, she/he deserves what they get because they always have to backchat, nag, argue, never give in or up.
An abuser diminishes their abusive behaviour by telling themselves, “It’s not as if I hit her/him; I’m not the sort of person that goes around punching women/men.” Or, “I only gave them a little slap/push/nudge. It wasn’t like it was a big deal.”
An abuser dismisses their abusive behaviour by ignoring such behaviour, never showing remorse for the hurt caused, and conveniently “forgets” what they have said or done that is abusive and expects the victim to do the same.
The vast majority of people who do not directly experience abuse will, when confronted with acts of abuse – from media sources or personal accounts from friends, family, or members of their communities – will recoil in disgust or horror if abuse is extreme, such as homicide, or protracted abuse against a mother and/or her children. At the very least, people shake their heads and express how terrible family violence is. They will tell themselves how fortunate they are never to have abused or been abused, and believe domestic and family violence is something that happens to other people, “not our family”.
However, many of these same people, when they become aware of a family member, close friend, even someone they’re not particularly close to such as a well-known authority in their community or popular celebrity, tend to do the same as an abuser does: excuse, diminish, or dismiss the perpetrator’s actions.
There are reasons for this. It is difficult to believe a person abuses within their own home when they are so wonderful outside the home, or, as the popular but misguided fallacy goes, the victim must have done something to “make” the perpetrator act as they did.
There is a need for an increased focus on family, friends and acquaintances of abusers who enable an abuser to continue to abuse without accountability and consequences from their actions, when they diminish, dismiss and excuse perpetrators’ negative behaviours.
I say family and friends of abusers because it seems that those close to an abuser are likely to defend that person, whereas dismissing, excusing or diminishing occurs less where family and friends of a victim occurs.
Examples of enabling
The media, when writing an article detailing an incident of serious abuse and homicide, will include quotes from family and friends of the perpetrator expressing disbelief, such as, “He was a lovely father, husband, neighbour. How can he have done this? He must have snapped.”
I have read media pieces that talk about an argument the couple had while out just before she was assaulted or killed by her partner, the journalist’s words implying that it was partly the victim’s fault for the abuse since they’d argued prior to the incident. Too often, media portray a victim as somehow being at fault as much as the abuser.
Closer to home, family members and close friends of an abuser, when notified of that person’s abusive behaviour, often close ranks, denying he/she is capable of such behaviour and that the victim is fabricating, lying, or exaggerating when they disclose what has been happening to them behind closed doors.
In my case it was many years into my abusive relationship before I spoke face to face to my abuser’s mother regarding the abuse her son had perpetrated against me. She was fully aware of abusive incidents having taken me to hospital on occasion after a particularly violent case of abuse. However, the first time I openly spoke to her, she ignored my plea for support and asked me what I’d done to “make my poor son and hardworking boy” angry. She did not consider his fault in the assault I mentioned to her, and instead levelled all the blame for his behaviour on me.
Her stance in this “discussion” prevented me from disclosing to anyone else for years. Unfortunately, between talking to her and telling a domestic violence service far into the future what was happening, there were innumerable incidents of violence against me by her “hardworking boy”.
The victim’s family and friends, when made aware of abuse occurring between partners and/or the partners’ children, don’t believe the victim. They may say “how can that be possible – he/she is such a great person, such a valued community member, high up in positions of authority … you must be mistaken,” or “I’ve always liked him/her, they are so nice, they’ve never treated me with anything but respect.”
Following is a conversation posted on social media. Those I have named in this discourse have given me permission to be named. The response to the initial post by Sarah Nickson, exemplifying how members of the public can turn an abuser’s actions into justifiable behaviour, is unnamed.
Sarah Nickson (BA Psychology & Criminology, GradCert FS Hope Community Services) wrote, “It’s 2024 and victim blaming is still a problem. Victim blaming absolves the perpetrator of responsibility and it shifts blame to the victim/survivor essentially making them accountable for what happened to them.
“Victim blaming normalises manipulative tactics used by DFV perpetrators. It is also a way in which people can psychologically distance themselves from being a victim of abuse. Victim blaming is deeply hurtful and harmful to many victim/survivors and it is categorically unhelpful.
“The opposite of victim blaming is perpetrator accountability and responsibility. We can all be a part of the movement away from victim blaming by challenging it when we hear it and see it.”
A reply to the above by a person who shan’t be named, “But not blaming the victim if the victim is an accomplice is victimising the perpetrator. Remember, you may be a victim of heavy beating but you can also be the perpetrator of anger provocation. So just because you are the victim of physical abuse does not mean you did not mentally abuse the beater. So before you judge a beater, check if the beaten is not the beat caller and tuner.”
Sarah Nickson’s response, “Exhibit A: ‘Victim Blaming’. Violence is a choice.”
My own response is that it may look like the victim is provoking the abuser into being angry, but this statement is a classic example of blaming the victim for the perpetrator's anger. In a non-abusive relationship, either partner may make the other angry (though even in this type of relationship the angered person has a choice to be angry just as an abuser in an abusive relationship does), but it is a very different dynamic to a relationship where an abuser becomes angry.
Firstly, abusers are quick to anger even when a situation doesn't call for that, and secondly with an abuser there's no predicting what they will do when angry. Their anger may quickly turn to violence. In a respectful, non-abusive relationship when one person is angry, they are capable of compromise and not escalating to where they hurt the other physically. Non-abusive partners feel remorse if they unintentionally emotionally hurt their partner and are quick to authentically, and honestly, rectify the hurt.
. . .
The above discourse considers provocation and self-defence as defences for abuse, an attitude I feel excuses and dismisses an abuser’s behaviour and is too often the attitude of family and friends of the abuser. The legal defence of provocation was dropped in Australian states for good reason: where abuse occurs in such situations it is an inordinate reaction to a victim’s actions. Circumstances framing an abusive situation are used by the perpetrator as an excuse to behave in an excessive manner disproportionate to the victim’s acts of defence against attack. If investigation into a domestic violence incident occurs, the aggressor will usually respond with, “I was acting in self-defence,” or “I had to retaliate, she was trying to hurt me,” o, “What, she’s allowed to abuse me and I just have to wear it?”’
Readers may consider what I have said in this piece as sounding black and white and not contemplating the possibility of there being a grey area in all of this. Not so. I have put this perspective to you because of anecdotal evidence derived from talking to many victims of abuse and speaking to professionals well versed in aspects of partner abuse against victims seeking support.
All conversations have a similar theme: we victims feel isolated, ashamed and blamed because the abuser and his/her family and friends act in ways that compound those feelings. In the words of one professional, "Society can victim blame … we've been conditioned for so many years around what we read, see and hear, we don't realise our own unconscious bias."
More reading: Why victim-survivors don't report domestic violence - ABC Everyday
Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.