Coercive control is a criminal offence and can be reported to the police. It is a persistent pattern of controlling, coercive and threatening behaviour including all or some forms of domestic abuse.
The legal definition of coercive control is a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten. It is a form of domestic abuse that is illegal in Australia, although laws vary by state.
According to the Australian Attorney-General’s Department, signs of coercive control include controlling who a person sees, what they wear and where they go, monitoring or tracking everything a person does, controlling everyday needs (such as finances, medication, food or exercise), regularly criticising a person or manipulating or blaming them so they doubt themselves and their experiences, forcing someone to have sex or do sexual things, stopping a person from following religious or cultural practices, threatening a person (or their children, family or friends), manipulating co-parenting arrangements or child support payments after relationship separation.
In layman vernacular coercive control is: mental domination, thought manipulation, cognitive control, brainwashing, conditioning, psychological onslaught to keep someone under an abuser's control.
These terms are interchangeable, but all are equal to a condition where the victim: doubts their perspective, sanity, self-worth and understanding of how a person professing to love you should act; the coercive control inherent in the relationship becomes the recipient’s new normal, making it difficult to recognise they are indeed being abused; the receiver accepts the abuser's interpretation of who they are and what they should be doing to “be a better person” for their partner and to “prove your love” for that person.
Once this state of mind is established, it is very hard to extricate from the abusive relationship. It often requires someone from outside the relationship to help you understand what is really happening between abuser and abused and to support you to leave (in most domestic and family violence situations, this is the only option for the abuse to cease, at the point of leaving or into the future after leaving).
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As Australian states continue to consider definitions of coercive control as an offence, prevention of such abuse remains crucial since coercive control is difficult to prove in a court of law.
An important factor in the effort to define coercive control it is that such abuse is recognisable. Statements abusers use are common, worldwide, regardless of circumstances and cultures. More on this here, a resource I often quote from in my advocacy.
The content shows the common language abusers use, language victims are commonly exposed to. What follows are some examples.
Early red flag words
(Trust your gut when you hear phrases like this.)
“Where were you today?”
“I tried calling ... why didn’t you answer?”
“Why did you make me do that?”
“You don’t love me as much as I love you.”
“No-one will ever understand you like I do.”
“If you loved me, you’d do this.”
Words to degrade
“What can I do to prove I’m not as bad as my partner says?” (resulting in a approval-seeking cycle that can keep a survivor trapped indefinitely.)
“You’re a bad mother.”
“No wonder you're losing all your friends.”
“You’re no fun.”
“You’re a piece of trash.”
Words to shame
(We’ve all said something we regret at one point or another, but the trademark of verbal and emotional abuse is a pattern. Abusers don’t just lose their temper once, they systematically shame and insult their partner, without reason and usually without regret.)
“You're always creating drama/making a big deal out of nothing/starting a fight/trying to get the last word in.”
“If you leave me, no-one else will want you.”
“You’re not smart/successful/strong enough to survive without me.”
“You need to go on a diet.”
“Why don’t you look as hot as you did when we first met?”
“Don’t gain too much weight when you get pregnant.”
“You’re such a slut/you dress like a whore.”
“This is why no-one likes you.”
Words to control
(Control is not always obvious, in the way the following are obvious: “Don’t wear that. Don’t go there. Don’t speak to him.” Sometimes, it’s disguised as concern. The indicator that it’s control is if you feel anxiety or fear about making a choice because you’re afraid your partner is going to react negatively.)
“You can go but I don’t want you to go.”
“You don't need to work right now; the kids need you.”
“Couples don’t have secrets – I need to be able to read your texts or emails whenever I want to.”
“You’d be much more pretty if … ”
“I bring the money into this house, so I decide.”
“I’ll give you money to spend. You don’t need to worry about a bank account.”
“How much did you spend? I need to see all your receipts.”
Words to deflect blame
“Look what you made me do.”
“It’s your fault I drink.”
“I was only trying to help.”
“You're oversensitive.”
“You always play the victim.”
"I'm only happy when you're happy."
"It was just a fight."
"But did you tell them why I did that? Did you tell them I was a victim of abuse as a child? You're not giving them the whole picture."
"You're making me feel like a monster."
“You’re too sensitive.”
"You're looking for the bad in what I'm saying. Like your mom does."
Escalation words
“Just try to leave me – you’ll regret it.”
“You have no idea what I’m capable of.”
“You think you got it bad. I can show you bad.”
“I'll take everything away from you if you leave me. I'll take the house, the kids, the car, you'll have nothing. You're the crazy one. No-one will let you have custody of the kids.”
“You know I can get a gun/I have a gun.”
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I’d like to conclude with a resource that may help a victim to gain legal support when they are experiencing coercive control.
The Community Legal Centres Australia website is a good resource that gives the public access to directories based on each state. These directories show a list of community legal centres based on the suburb an individual lives in and also shows specialised legal centres.
CLCs Australia – Community Legal Centres Australia
Deborah Thomson moved to Tasmania with her daughter in 2010, and now lives with her partner of nine years and a parrot. She moved to escape domestic violence and, inspired by her new partner, wrote her first book, Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence, to help others recognise abuse (and in particular coercive control), in the home, and to increase their motivation to leave earlier. After publishing her first book, she became a trained advocate through Engender Equality, a non-government Tasmanian organisation working with people and communities impacted by family violence. Deborah Thomson advocates for survivors of family violence, speaking at domestic violence events across Tasmania, through media channels and podcasts. She recently completed a second book, detailing lived experience with domestic violence by her then husband, spanning 17 years from 1985 to 2003. This book is now used in Tasmania as an information resource for family violence counsellors and students on practicals.